Dear Dr Tim

Our agony uncle's bed-side manner is as sensitive as his hair and he's here to help you...

Dear Dr Tim,

Is there anything actually interesting in Downpatrick... it sucks and every weekend we end up just getting beatin up by chavs...anywhere fun or interesting at all?
Ash Fan, Downpatrick 

Dr Tim says: I've just been home and I agree there isn't much to do but that's one of the good things about it, you have to be inventive. My advice is to form a band and get out and see the world then you'll appreciate the boringness of it. Also studying martial arts should help with the chavs. Avoiding them is also a good idea, get out and see the beautiful countryside and coastline and walk in the Mournes and go to some neolithic sites and perform pagan rites, that kind of thing passes the time nicely.

Dear Dr Tim,

I AM the so-called 'new messiah'-I am atheist (or was) but am so totally convinced, that I have decided I WANT to be it. I do not like 'religious people' either-I am certain that whatever/whoever created the universe chose ME to 'rule the world'! who should I contact (apart from the shrinks!) about my beliefs? I tried the church of England but was told in no uncertain terms that i was 'merely another schizophrenic who believes they are a manifestation of god'!!! I don't even believe in the Christian god, a lightning bolt (as was Zeus' weapon) is a much better way of describing a flash of light!!!
What should I do?

Dr Tim says: "the new messiah" of what? "Ruling the world" is going to be a very difficult thing to achieve and I reckon if you were actually going to be getting anywhere with this, then you wouldn't be wasting your time writing to me and complaining that no-one's taking any notice of you.
Instead of worrying about this, I'd recommend focusing your energies on something a little more relaxing, like living on a desert island, scuba diving, that kind of thing.


Dear Dr Tim,

My scalp is itchy and my hair is lank and lifeless. Have you got any tips?

Dr Tim says: Invest in some shampoo & try washing it.


Dear Dr Tim,

For the past seven years or so I've been collecting information on the equipment you have used throughout the years. My problem is that I've spent so much time looking at your vast quantities of gear that I have an inferiority complex about my own set-up and spend more time buying obscure fuzz pedals and maxing out credit cards than playing guitar.

Nova Scotia, Canada

Dr Tim says: I know what you mean. I have this obsessive compulsive collecting mentality too. You don't need any more gear, it's totally possible that it's getting in the way of your creativity. Remember Kurt Cobain made amazing sounds with the crappiest guitars and a Boss distortion pedal. It's all about the songs at the end of the day. I suggest putting a temporary embargo on buying more gear and focus on writing, performing and enjoying yourself and see how you feel after 6 months. The way I've got round this with myself is by thinking about collecting new songs instead of new gear. I know what your setup is and it's pretty damn sick (nice Guild guitar by the way) so stop worrying!

Dear Dr Tim,

What's is the best way to loose weight on your face?

love from one of your biggest fans

Dr Tim says: I'd recommend cardio-vascular exercise & dieting. Sign up with our personal trainer Rick "Rock" McMurray, drummers are apparently fitter than professional footballers. Maybe you should join a death metal band?


Dear Dr Tim,

I'm thinking about eloping to Berlin, but before I do should I kill all my enemies in the UK first?
If you have any further questions please get in contact.

Best regards,
Jimi Arundell

Dr Tim says: Jimi, just get the hell out of here and when you get to Berlin smile smuggly to your self and just know you're living in one of the coolest cities in the world and they aren't.

Dear Dr Tim,

I, like you, am a nice guy. However, as you know, sometimes even nice guys get fed up. Have you any good insults I could use when somebody finally tips me over the edge? Please suggest something really vicious and cutting I can use as a parting shot in a disagreement with my girl.

Dr Tim says: The best place to start is usually with any physical attributes they may be insecure about, then stick "fucking piece of shit" at the end. e,g YOU FAT FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT


Dear Dr Tim,

My boyfriend is incredibly well-equipped in the trouser department. I have frequently noticed other girls casting jealous glances at his phenomenal crotch. Have you any suggestions for tastefully disguising that
vast piece that he is packing?

Bow-legged of Bow 

Dr Tim says: This may be a disadvantage when prowling the high street but you could actually make a lot of money out of this, have you ever considered pimping him out as a porn star?